Stupid Big Teeth, EMMY
2024 Summer Playlist: Unplug & Elevate
Unplug & Elevate: Notes of Empowerment Summer Playlist is a collaborative mixtape of music and thoughts sourced by three colleagues who work in the areas of wellness, burnout, and purpose, but more importantly, who are friends. We know that having the right playlist for a road trip (or whatever journey one is on) makes ALL the difference. This summer, we handpicked songs from our lives that helped us to rebalance, recoup our own stories, and root into our purpose. Listen now
It’s Me. Hi. I’m the Problem.
I remember being in early elementary school and my teachers continually telling me to “worry about myself.” I was worried that someone (including myself) was going to be overlooked. I had some delusion that I could be helpful, thinking it would be good to let grown-ups know when my peers were misbehaving or needed help. Now, after spending time with first and second graders, I understand just how annoying it is to manage a tiny tattletale. My sincere apologies to teachers. I really thought that my cuteness could overcome being annoying. It didn’t work then, and it’s absolutely not working now.
I think a lot about that kid and how, from an early age, focusing on others was more interesting than focusing on myself. I took the advice to “worry about myself” and it led my second grade self to some conclusions: 1) that worrying about myself was a mandate to become more socially acceptable and popular, and 2) “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem, it’s me.” Worrying about myself looked like getting introspective about all the potential reasons I might not be fitting in socially. The harder I focused on trying to fit in, the worse it got. As elementary school was marked with a cross country move that only reinforced the idea that I’m the problem.
I had a magical belief that things would change when I got to middle school. Surprise—they didn’t get better. I emotionally checked out a lot from middle school to high school and focused on getting out of my tiny town and into college. I learned to dissociate, use humor and sarcasm to make my depression palatable for others, and navigate relationships where my presence was wanted but not my voice or thoughts. The thing is, I wasn’t aware that I was doing it until much later.
It was only after I had cancer in my late 20s that I saw the toll worrying about others and wanting so badly to be accepted had taken on my health. In the seemingly unending doctor’s appointments, scans, infusions, and medical bullshittery, I realized that I am the only person qualified to take care of myself. Ultimately, I’m responsible for my health, and my life depends on knowing what I need to stay healthy. I have to worry about myself in a completely different way than that second grader thought.
When you first met me, that girl wasn’t me. She had my same blue eyes and stupid big teeth.
To start our emotional healing, one needs to develop some self-awareness and humor about how we show up in the world? For me, that started by going to a therapist to process how I show up in the world. We examined how I could let go of worrying about what others thought of me, and start “worrying about myself.” I replaced some of my insecurity with a freeing conclusion: “I’m not for everyone. Heck, not everyone is for me.” Sometimes that knowledge hurts. Other times it’s a relief. And that is where I had to start. Self-compassion, or treating myself with kindness despite all my imperfections, is crucial for transforming insecurities into strengths. Humor helps too. That’s where this song comes in. "Stupid Big Teeth" names the writer's insecurities, bluntly, blue eyes and stupid big teeth.
Insecurities can be challenged by self-compassion. Challenging with a thought with self compassion for me, looks like having a lifeguard watching my thought processes- saying things like:
Could you say that thought to a stranger and not get punched?
Would you say that thought to your kid?
If your self-talk sounds like an abusive relationship then let's just start with the awareness that you’re being a dick to yourself. Once we can get an awareness of your inner bully’s presence, we can start challenging it, and then maybe, just maybe, find a little grace or understanding for yourself. This is where the real magic happens! If the volume of the inner bully (or bullies) can be turned down a touch, or even muted, our tolerance for external bullies decreases.
I’ve Been Working on Me, but It Ain’t Working on You
The hook to this song, “I’ve been working on me but it ain’t working on you,” is the line that always catches my ear. Maybe it’s why I keep sharing it with folks who are frustrated with their spouses. In couplehood, growth rarely happens in tandem. It’s more of an awkward jerking of stops and starts and waiting for the other to catch up or wait up. Self-growth is a choice. It can’t be forced upon someone. I deeply believe that if one person in a family or partnership decides to heal themselves, it gives other family members permission to find a kinder, gentler way of being in the world. But it takes time, trust, mutual respect, and empathy. Maybe if you are doing Your work, it’ll inspire them to do theirs. Maybe you’ll come to a different conclusion that they aren’t interested in change, or a self-(r)evolution, and armed with that knowledge you can make some other decisions or judgements.
There is an unfair trigonometry in wanting others to change before realizing that the only person you can change is you. If you want your partner to be better at anything, start by being better at being you! Ugh, gross. In conclusion, you not only have to worry about yourself, but make sure you have boundaries about what you can and cannot do for yourself or others! Start by finding a way to take care of yourself, to challenge your inner bully, or use compassion and humor to better understand yourself.
Featured Response by Eileen Murphy from Blackbird Life Coaching
I love this insight into the song and the demons we live with. As I was reading, I chuckled a few times because I totally related to the notion that as we age, we often find ourselves doubling down on coping mechanisms that may actually be hindering our growth rather than supporting it. I've observed how the stories we tell ourselves and the behaviors we engage in can manifest in physical ailments due to the stress they place on our bodies and minds. Neglecting self-care and ignoring our body's signals can lead to inflammation, which compromises our ability to fight off illness.
Megan’s introspective perspective encourages us to recognize the importance of nurturing our bodies. Over the years, I’ve noticed that the best partner I have in life is me – my body, so if I want my body to be better at anything like fighting off a cold or having more energy, I need to be better at being me. I've experienced firsthand the toll that neglecting one’s body's signal can take, leading to exhaustion and depression. However, by listening to my body's cues, providing it with the care (and yes, rest) it deserves, and learning to silence my inner critic, I am able to restore balance, vitality, and stress-less.
Featured Response by Charlotte Kovacs from Kovacs Coaching
I can relate to just about every word Megan has written here, and I am so happy she introduced me to this song. An early exercise I like to do with my clients is the Buddist Loving Kindness meditation. The way I was taught is that you say it once for yourself (“May I be…”), once thinking of a dear loved one (“May she be…”), once for an acquaintance (“May he be…”), once for a person with which you have a difficult relationship (“May she be…”), and once again for yourself (“May I be…”).
May I be filled with Loving Kindness
May I be well, protected and safe
May I be peaceful and at ease
May I be happy.
Similar to my first time with this meditation, when clients first learn it, they are happy to think of loved ones and acquaintances. Depending on where they are in their healing, they are sometimes appreciative to have the opportunity to whisper words of grace and wellness for a challenging relationship. But offering love and kindness, peace and ease, and happiness (gasp!) to oneself is where the radical work begins. We are all worthy of love from others, but most especially from ourselves. Like Megan says, we don’t have to be for everyone, but we do have to be for ourselves.
What might change in your life if you internalized these words?
Megan Hutchinson Krings, LCSW CADC is a licensed clinical social worker and a certified alcohol and drug counselor. She often works with folks when their neglected hunches about life manifest into addiction, depression, anxiety, burnout, or deep grief for the life they want but can’t have. Megan is the founder of Mindful Heart Counseling.
Charlotte Kovacs, ACC, CPCC, empowers mid-career women who are at a crossroads, wondering what they want to be when they grow up. She provides one-on-one and small group programs designed to help them set bold goals, enabling them to fulfill their purpose both professionally and personally. Charlotte is the founder of Charlotte Kovacs Coaching.
Eileen Murphy, MA in Industrial & Organizational Psychology, is your go-to certified Stress Management and Health & Wellness coach. She’s on a mission to help you disrupt your stress and find joy, aligning your career, health, and wellness like a life-balancing pro. Eileen is the founder of Blackbird Life Coaching.
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