When Will I Learn, Rob Riccardo
2024 Summer Playlist: Unplug & Elevate
There is this prayer that I can sometimes find a hymnal. The origin is from India and it starts “Like an ant on a stick both ends of which are burning, I go to and fro without knowing what to do and in great despair.”
YES! That’s it. That’s all I need. That’s how I feel. My anxiety is that ant running back and forth; cut off from the community, and not able to put the fire out. Scared. Willing to do anything to survive.
Naming that feeling as anxiety is often helpful in the moment, but it doesn’t put out the fire or mean that I’m suddenly going to “trust the process.” Naming the anxiety lets me look back and see the string of mistakes, poor choices, regrets and feel the embarrassment. Most of the time, I would rather not name it. This is when my therapist reminds me all I need to do is tell the truth.
The truth is my anxiety’s first instinct is wrong and riddled with false beliefs. It gets confused and thinks that being busy equals importance. Once I believe that lie, I find myself taking on way too much and panicking about the results. The truth is anxiety is a liar that keeps me doing things I know don’t work.
Case in point, my husband and I were hosting his entire family at our house for a holiday weekend. Prior to the influx of family I had been given a CRATE of grapefruit. This was a bonus crate of grapefruit. Bringing the total number of crates to two, meaning we had probably 30 plus grapefruit. Did I mention that it’s just the two of us? We like grapefruit, but not that much. Prior to this bonus box I had spent about 48 hours panic cleaning the house, making beds, prepping food, not sleeping, eating junk, consuming coffee, and decorating.
The minute that second box showed up in the kitchen (an hour before guests arrived) I knew what I had to do. I HAD to use that fruit before it went bad and take advantage of all the extra mouths in the house. . . . So I did what I have never done, and won’t probably ever do again. I made marmalade.
I ignored my newly cleaned kitchen, and got to work. I relished being the one to mess up my newly cleaned kitchen, and make even more chaos. It was fine. It didn’t use all the fruit. I created a big mess, made myself more work, and stayed away from what I value. It was outright self sabotage. Note: while evidence above may not seem like it, I really do value family more than potential food waste. I have named this event Anxiety Marmalade.
For me, anxiety can make my creativity run amuck, especially when I need a space for self-expression and time alone. That’s where this song hits me. A gut check. If I’m feeling out of sorts, “When will I learn that I have all that I need?” is a line that reminds me to feel my feet on the Earth and be present. Tiny things like breathing, having a glass of water, caring for a pet, or singing (which is just fancy breathing) can all slow my roll down when my brain is strung out on coffee, sugar and what if’s.
Just a little bit of grounding, and then I’m able to address the actual beast of my brain- using Socratic questioning to get to what’s real. I think of it like a courtroom drama where a witness is being questioned.
My Kitchen - Midmorning
The counters are dramatically pristine like never seen, my cats mingle near their water fountain lapping peacefully then waddling off to take naps in sunny spots. We see two big boxes of grapefruit alone on the kitchen table. The pungent tart and tangy smell of citrus fills the smell of the room. My Feelings look frazzled, while ME looks concerned.
ME Is it true that an entire crate of grapefruit will go bad in 24 hours?
My feelings Not true.
ME Would it be nice to find a way to use this fruit for my company?
My feelings Yes.
ME Do I have time to do this?
My feelings Well... what if I do it quickly?
Me (clears throat) Do you have time for this?
My feelings (meekly) But I found a recipe. It says it’ll only take 45 minutes.
Me Is this sense of urgency based on feelings or facts?
My feelings (pouting) I feel like I need to keep up my momentum and keep going, because if I stop, I won’t be able to keep going.
Me (sighs and crosses her arms.) The defense rests her case.
That’s why this song is on the summer playlist. I want to do things differently now. I don’t want to fill every minute with something. I want to sit in my hammock and read! I’d like to recall what it was like being bored. Summer fills up SO fast, and I don’t have to do EVERYTHING. In fact it’s probably better not to do EVERYTHING. I need to question the desire that wants EVERYTHING. Will doing all the things lead me to feeling how you want to feel, or more like that ant on a stick with both ends on fire?
Now I know I must ask for help from the people who I trust when I feel this way. Heck, I yell for help. That’s what the author of the prayer was doing too. Beseeching the Universe for help. I’m no expert on prayer, or the universe, but I imagine that for this little ant to get help it has to jump off the flaming stick. The ant must hope that its cries for help are met with mercy and the arms of my community who can get it to safety.
Eileen (eileen@blackbirdlifecoaching.com) reminds me that there are all sorts of tools we can use to work though HOW to feel our emotions. A suggestion we discussed are these steps.
Four Steps to Feel Your Feelings:
Identify the feeling. Find a name for how you are feeling. For example, if you are angry, you might find that with deeper reflection, what you are feeling is jealousy. This is where the emotions wheel comes into play.
Validate the feeling. Feeling is part of being a human. It’s okay to have ALL feelings. It’s normal to have conflicting emotions. Invite them and validate them – I see you sadness. I see you joy.
Sit with the feeling. Take a few moments to sit with your feelings. Where is it showing up in your body and mind? What are you sensing? Notice any thoughts, memories, or visual present. Sit, without judgment or trying to change your emotions.
Process and express the feeling. Let it go. Find a way to express and release the feelings. A few ways to express yourself is to cry, scream into a pillow, journal, sing, move your body. Be intentional with your movement and mix it up depending on what you’re experiencing.
As for me and my anxiety, the best defense is a good offense. Cultivating a kind inner voice reminds me “That I got this” you don’t need to do more. Trust that you have done enough. And remind yourself this Again. And again, and again.
Featured Response by Charlotte Kovacs from Kovacs Coaching
Anxiety, how you love to take up residency in our minds, bodies and spirits! Nothing can make me more reactive than anxiety - that “what if” feeling hits like a ton of bricks and shuts it all down for me. Enter the work of Byron Katie, which helps me stop and reflect, before being reactive.
Is it true? The thing you are anxious about, is it true?
Is it absolutely true? Can it be proven in a court of law? That’s different from “it feels” true. Feeling true is completely valid, but for now, let’s step back and see if it is actually true.
How do I react when I believe this thought? Am I impulsive, angry, irritable, hostile, withdrawn? When I step back, how do I view my reactions?
Who would I be without this thought? Maybe, without this thought, I can be caring, open, loving, creative, authentic.
Then, what do I choose? I can choose to be impulsive, angry, or withdrawn, or, with space between me and my anxiety, I can choose to be authentic, loving, and open. This song feels like a prayer to me, if I chant over and over again, I’ve got this, I will start believing it because, the fact is, I do have this.
Featured Response by Eileen Murphy from Blackbird Life Coaching
Like many who grew up hiding their needs and emotions it is challenging to start naming feelings. When my therapist asked what feeling I had it was like a blank dictionary – isn’t it either happy, sad, angry, fear, or love?
I literally had to study the emotions wheel (hyperlink: https://www.calm.com/blog/the-feelings-wheel) and a dictionary to understand the difference between worried and anxious or frustrated and annoyed, in broad strokes I knew I was scared or angry but couldn’t identify the deeper truth. Learning this new language around emotions gave me the foundational tool to self-reflect and gain deeper awareness of my needs. In my pursuit to name the feeling, I even watched He’s Just Not That Into You with the emotions wheel.
A decade later, and I am still expanding on this foundational skill by going on short meditative walks, asking myself “how am I feeling?” 3Xs then asking “what do I need?” 3Xs. It’s amazing what comes to the surface and how it can support you in navigating our messy lives.
Emotions are little messengers between our mind, body, and heart – something has triggered them that needs to be seen, acknowledged, and released. Anxiety included, check out my previous blog on The Dance between Hope and Anxiety.
Using the 4 Steps to Feel Your Feelings is a great starting point, and like so many adventures we take, you’ll never know where it’ll take you, but rest assured it’ll be jovial.
Megan Hutchinson Krings, LCSW CADC is a licensed clinical social worker and a certified alcohol and drug counselor. She often works with folks when their neglected hunches about life manifest into addiction, depression, anxiety, burnout, or deep grief for the life they want but can’t have. Megan is the founder of Mindful Heart Counseling.
Charlotte Kovacs, ACC, CPCC, empowers mid-career women who are at a crossroads, wondering what they want to be when they grow up. She provides one-on-one and small group programs designed to help them set bold goals, enabling them to fulfill their purpose both professionally and personally. Charlotte is the founder of Charlotte Kovacs Coaching.
Eileen Murphy, MA in Industrial & Organizational Psychology, is your go-to certified Stress Management and Health & Wellness coach. She’s on a mission to help you disrupt your stress and find joy, aligning your career, health, and wellness like a life-balancing pro. Eileen is the founder of Blackbird Life Coaching.
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